This morning I dropped J off at the airport as he caught the 8am flight back to Bogotá, Colombia. These past two weeks, where I showed him a bit of my world, after sharing his for two years, in both Bogotá and Cartagena de Indias, Colombia, were a whirlwind of activity. He met all of my family and enjoyed all the great things that Toronto has to offer.
Between elevating ourselves to the top of the CN Tower, gazing over Niagara Falls, wandering through the museums and art galleries of Toronto and Montreal and touring my favourite Toronto restaurants, parks and neighbourhoods, I hardly had the chance to crack open my CCNM study notes for the midterms we have starting tomorrow. However, today, after I said a tearful goodbye to J, I turned around to greet my two new companions for the next five days: panic and stress.
This semester I´ve been feeling burned out in general, and today I just feel tired. What´s more, after hearing about the new draft regulations for naturopathic doctors in Ontario (which will limit our future scope of practice) my desire to master topics like microbiology, clinical diagnoses and pharmacology is dwindling.
I am surprised to arrive back to some of the dark, sluggish feelings of lack of motivation that I experienced during much of my undergraduate studies at Queen´s. As the novelty of being a student again has long worn off, I find myself losing touch with the faith that every adult student holds onto: the belief that one day our hard work will pay off. After 1.5 years of study, study and more study at CCNM I sometimes feel no more knowledgeable than I did when I started. I now face the challenge of beating back my inner Mexican who pleads ¨mañana…¨
This winter, my brain is tired of memorizing things. Instead it´s hungering to create things, to be inspired again and to revel in life´s beauty and simplicity. However, these things seem unobtainable when one faces imprisonment in library reading rooms and bedroom desk chairs for the next five days. It´s times like these when I am forced to look inwards. When faced with this lack of motivation I wonder if the need to push myself to study is not, in fact, a protective response to a fear of failing or the need to solidify my self worth in the form of decent grades? If I take a mental health break for this exam period what will the consequences be?
My plan is to focus on studying what inspires me, leaving the rest, taking lots of breaks, playing furry games with Coco, drinking lots of espresso (a liver detox to come in the next week?) and listen to soothing playlists like this. I´ll also be looking at plenty of beautiful pictures and recalling the happy memories of the last two weeks.
7 exams to go. Hasta mañana.
Study hard, colleagues!